Manifesto

The air in ISM is quite tense these days owing to the “elections” for the ISS body- sarkar, as it is called in college vernacular. The elections here are not the usual democratic affairs, with campaigning, speeches, manifestos and other hustings. It’s more complicated. Had the election been a normal one, the manifestos of the candidates would have been interesting to read. And had I been one of the candidates, I would have made sure to include the following points in my manifesto: 

1. Courting couples will be barred from entering the library together. The problem does not lie with ‘set’ jodis. It’s when a boy or a girl is in the process of finding their mate and evinces interest in other that it becomes a nuisance. It’s at that stage when the couples forget library etiquettes and can not help themselves from chattering incessantly, inviting the ires of other less fortunate beings busting their asses there. 
2. Deodorants will be made mandatory and awareness campaigns will be run to educate the junta about the importance of personal hygiene and the ill effects of obnoxious body odors. All the students and some of the faculty members will be invited to attend these campaigns. As it is very difficult to make every ISMite wash daily (for some even the brushing of teeth is a luxury which can be put off to after class hours or the next day and I used to think it is as indispensable as getting up itself), they have to be taught that their bodies do not always give off the scent of masculinity or of love. Sometimes, their body odor can make life hell for their neighbors. 
3. No stone will be left unturned to bring KFC to Dhanbad. I don’t understand how that is not an issue here. How do people let themselves be deprived of the KFC’s soft, succulent, crispy chicken, especially after having tasted it once? 
4. Seniors will be banned from getting their assignments and practical notebooks completed by murgas (first yearites). Being once in the first year myself, I know the indignation one felt at having to draw strange figures and write hundreds of pages for seniors. 
5. The Jharkhand government will be requested to reopen the ‘daroo ke thekes’ in Dhanbad as soon as possible. It is extremely unfair to the sex-deprived guys here to be deprived of alcohol too. Besides, it is also a case of the rich and mighty capitalists (read Equator bar) making money at the cost of thekewaalas. 
6. The chhotus of the canteen will be given name tags and it will be made mandatory to call each one of them by their respective names only so that their identity is not lost. Students are indiscreet in calling these guys, almost every worker summoned by the name of chhotu or Anand. 
7. The students will have the right to deny the unsolicited copies of ISM’s newsletter, which unfailingly sucks and adds to the mess of already cluttered cubicles, which are passed off as rooms of the students. 
8. A formal announcement will be made that the widely spread rumor that the nai (barber) who visits the Topaz hostel is gay, is totally unfounded. Sheky confirmed that he showed no such tendencies when he was getting massaged and is, in fact a good masseur. 
9. Not flushing the toilet after using them will be made a crime punishable by law. 
10. Finally, the first criteria for being the badminton captain of the college will be that he/ she must have played badminton at least once in his/ her lifetime.